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How to Deal With a Bad Kisser

Added on August 5th 2010, in category Kissing


So that new guy or girl in your life is just perfect. Kind, caring, fun, exciting- he or she has it all. Except... Oh, what a terrible kisser! From the guy who draws blood with every kiss to the girl that makes that weird clicking sound when you lock lips, bad kissers are everywhere. For many of us, kissing is a very important part of a relationship and, unfortunately, the inability to deliver a passionate kiss (or worse, the ability to deliver a disgusting kiss) can be a deal breaker, no matter how great the person is otherwise. Luckily, most bad kissers can become good kissers if you have a little patience, tact, and courage.

Step by step instructions to deal with a bad kisser

  1. 1
    Make up a reason to get away. The rest of this article will focus on how to deal with a bad kisser that you're in a relationship with or with whom you want to pursue a relationship, but if you're just looking for something casual and that guy or girl at the bar just gave you a horrible kiss, don't mess around. Say you're feeling tired, or you have to go with your friends. You can always say, "Yuck," but you probably don't want to offend and embarrass someone.

    • Alternatively, you can pull away from the kiss. Look the person in the eyes, and say something like, "This is how I like a kiss." Then kiss that person as you would want to be kissed. You may offend the person, and that's why you need a little more patience if you're already in a relationship with someone you care about, but if you want a quick tip that will either work or get rid of someone, that's it.
  2. 2
    Figure out what it is that you don't like. Before you can encourage good kissing, you need to figure out what makes a kiss good for you. This can be difficult, because we generally like different kinds of kisses at different times. If you have a hard time defining a good kiss, you probably won't have too much trouble determining what you don't like about your partner's kissing style. Think about it, and identify the real problems so you can coach your partner along. If you do end up having to talk to him or her about it, you don't want to just say, "you're a bad kisser." You want to offer constructive input.

    • Is the person really a bad kisser, or are you just used to something else? Especially when people get out of long-term relationships and start anew, they may miss the way their ex kissed them. Just because somebody doesn't kiss you exactly like your old flame did, however, doesn't mean that he or she isn't good at kissing. Keep an open mind and, as long as you're not disgusted, give it a little time. You may come to like the way your new partner kisses.
    • Look within. Do you really like the person? If you don't feel passion for a person, anything they do can seem wrong. If you're still hung up on an old boyfriend or girlfriend, or if you're just not into someone, you have bigger issues to deal with.
  3. 3
    Set a good example. Try to kiss the person like you want to be kissed. Kissing is an interactive experience, and each partner needs to follow the other's lead at some time. When it's your turn to lead, make it count. This can be an especially useful technique if your partner doesn't have much kissing experience or isn't sure he or she is doing it right.
  4. 4
    Give your partner signals. When your partner kisses you in a way that you really don't like, don't be afraid to pull away. Use body language, and hope he or she gets the hint. Even more importantly, when your partner does something you like, let him or her know. Moan softly, hold them closer, melt in his or her arms--send out signals that he or she is getting it right. Most bad kissers aren't bad all the time, so you should have opportunities to reward them for a job well done. Keep reinforcing what you like and discouraging what you don't, and your bad kisser may become a good kisser without you ever having to say a word about it.
  5. 5
    Tell the person what you like. Signals aren't working? Suppose you want your partner to kiss you more passionately. Try telling him or her that you love it when he or she kisses you like they really want you. Say it even if they don't actually do what you like. Just telling the person what you like will reinforce that idea in his or her head. If that doesn't work, encourage experimentation. Ask your partner if they would like to "try something different" but really show them how you like to be kissed. If you see a great kiss in a movie, for example, mention that you'd really like to try kissing like that. Be as specific as you feel you need to be.
  6. 6
    Have a talk. When subtle hints fail, it's time to bring it out in the open. This is an uncomfortable talk to have, but if you care about the relationship you have to do it, for both of you. Communication is essential to any relationship, so don't be afraid to tell the person how you feel. Be tactful about it, though, and compliment your partner on what he or she does right. Don't make blanket statements. Instead, address specific issues so that your partner will know you're not just being mean and so he or she can actually work on improving.
  7. 7
    If nothing else works, you're left with two choices: lower your standards or break up with the bad kisser. If the person is wonderful in all other respects, and if kissing just isn't that important to you, just live with it. If, however, you really need a good kisser, you have to end the relationship. If you really try to communicate your needs early in the relationship, but the person still doesn't adapt, they probably won't be responsive to your needs in other areas either, and they won't likely make a good long-term partner for you anyway. It's hard to break up with someone, but remember that you'll be better off and, hopefully, that person will also finally take the hint and become a better partner for someone in the future.

Tips / good to know

  • Be proactive. Don't wait for months or years to address the kissing problem. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to bring it up and the harder it will be for your partner to change his or her ways.
  • A good way to open the door to communication is to ask them if there's anything YOU can do better or anything they'd like you to try. a) You might just learn something and b) they may very well follow with asking you the same question. Even if they don't, people are usually a little more receptive when you're not coming across as superior. Say, "I love it when you do this... but I'm not sure how I feel about..."
  • Maybe you're not such a good kisser yourself. At the very least, you may not kiss your partner exactly like he or she would like. Try to be perceptive of your partner's body language and subtle hints, and be responsive. This will help you to communicate openly and to get what you want. What's more, you may be a bad kisser without even knowing it, but you, too, can break the habit.
  • The first kiss can make a big impression, and some people aren't willing to even try to develop a relationship with a bad kisser. If you're one of these people, keep in mind that bad kissing doesn't have to be a lifelong affliction if you're willing to help your partner out. If you dismiss someone because of one bad kiss, you could be missing out on a great relationship. That said, it is sometimes the case that bad kissing is just a symptom of a person who won't be a responsive, attentive partner anyway, and he or she may be just as bad at other important things as well. Try to consider how much kissing experience the person has. If you can chalk up the bad kissing to inexperience, there's probably hope, but if the person has had plenty of time and partners to figure it out, you're probably at a dead end.
  • Next time you're in front of your computer with your partner, casually decide to look at some wikiHow articles. Check out a variety of things, and then have a look at some articles on kissing, like How to Kiss or How to French Kiss. Don't let on why you want to look at the articles, and have fun reading them together, joking, and kissing. This is a great opportunity to mention things you like or don't like. Be sure not to read this article though!
  • It might be so that the quality of the kiss varies according to the situation you and your partner are in at the moment. If your partner is shy in public, then a public kiss might not be as fulfilling as one in private. Other actions (including sex) might cause your partner's attention to be directed away from the kiss, and thus cause it to deteriorate in quality. Either way, decide which is more important and focus on improving that aspect.
  • Playfully giving your partner an exaggerated version of his/her style of kiss may help him/her to realize what it is he/she is doing wrong and a reason for both of you to laugh which can work out to be an intimate moment, pleasant memory and a means of easing the tension of learning your likes/dislikes.

Things you'll need


  • If you train someone to kiss, be sure to leave some room for experimentation. If you tell a responsive partner exactly what you like and are too rigid in this, you may find that you always get kissed the same way, which can be boring.
  • Always be tactful and nice about telling someone what you like and don't like about their kissing. This can be a very sensitive subject, and your partner may become anxious or feel threatened or hurt--sometimes to the point that he or she will want to break up with you.


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